I was raised never to brag about our children. Our parents definitely didn't brag about us. It was considered shameful to do so.
I've been searching for a Chinese commercial I saw on YouTube a while ago that starts with 4 grandmothers sitting outside some kind of care home. Three of the elderly ladies start to complain about how their children are too busy to call or spend time with them because they were extremely successful and busy doctors or bankers or what-have-you. One lady is very quiet. You get the sense that she has nothing to complain/brag about. Then a car pulls up with young children waiting expectantly in the back seat.
The quiet lady says, "Ah... there's my son and his family. They come to pick me up every weekend even though I am too tired. He insists they want to spend time with me." Her son comes up to her and she gaily walks off with him to their car while the other grandmothers sit with their mouths open.
This is a difference between the East and West, I think. I remember my daughter commenting on it when she was a teenager.
I think we (Art, me or Mom) complain enough though.
"Tiffany is too busy with KC, always on the go and wearing herself out."
Translation: Tif has an active, full life and is devoted to her daughter."
"Tiffany keeps spending too much on us, constantly sending us packages when she should save her money."
Translation: Always thoughtful and generous, we love getting these care packages from Tiffany.
"Jon is so busy we hardly hear from him because he is studying every chance he gets and works the rest of the time."
Translation: We're proud of the fact that Jon is doing so well at the university and funding his education on his own.
"Jon is absolutely crazy. He is constantly careening around the world, living much too dangerously."
Translation: Jon is absolutely crazy. He is constantly careening around the world, living much too dangerously."
However, I'm sure you've all noticed that I'm now perfectly capable of bragging (noting the accomplishments of my loved ones) without resorting to subterfuge.
I've been searching for a Chinese commercial I saw on YouTube a while ago that starts with 4 grandmothers sitting outside some kind of care home. Three of the elderly ladies start to complain about how their children are too busy to call or spend time with them because they were extremely successful and busy doctors or bankers or what-have-you. One lady is very quiet. You get the sense that she has nothing to complain/brag about. Then a car pulls up with young children waiting expectantly in the back seat.
The quiet lady says, "Ah... there's my son and his family. They come to pick me up every weekend even though I am too tired. He insists they want to spend time with me." Her son comes up to her and she gaily walks off with him to their car while the other grandmothers sit with their mouths open.
This is a difference between the East and West, I think. I remember my daughter commenting on it when she was a teenager.
I think we (Art, me or Mom) complain enough though.
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| Photo by my brother, Dennis |
Translation: Tif has an active, full life and is devoted to her daughter."
"Tiffany keeps spending too much on us, constantly sending us packages when she should save her money."
Translation: Always thoughtful and generous, we love getting these care packages from Tiffany.
"Jon is so busy we hardly hear from him because he is studying every chance he gets and works the rest of the time."
Translation: We're proud of the fact that Jon is doing so well at the university and funding his education on his own.
"Jon is absolutely crazy. He is constantly careening around the world, living much too dangerously."
Translation: Jon is absolutely crazy. He is constantly careening around the world, living much too dangerously."
However, I'm sure you've all noticed that I'm now perfectly capable of bragging (noting the accomplishments of my loved ones) without resorting to subterfuge.
I think we would all do well to adopt the Asian way. Bragging is a competitive sport in the West, particularly among the chattering classes.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful header, Kay:-)
I think I naturally brag about my kids, don't mean to!
ReplyDeleteThat is so sweet, complimenting through complaining. I think I do that, too, but I'm not sure. Someone I read once wrote about their kids like that, and I wasn't fooled for a minute. I think your kids are great, too. Why wouldn't you tell me about them?? :-)
ReplyDeletetoo funny. In the Mormon culture we're not suppose to be proud or use the word. But it's hard to be creative when all you want to say to a grown child/son I am so proud of you...lol!
ReplyDeleteI don't think it is bragging when you are simply relaying good news about your kids. Good news is always better than bad news.
ReplyDeleteI don't like all the qualities about my children (I try to understand them rather than be disappointed). Alongside that, I also try to look at their positives. The one thing I'm most happy about (told my husband this the other day) is our children are both not lazy (in fact I worry about them taking on too much) and they are good enough money managers (frugal)....I know these are not super star qualities but to me I value these humble qualities the best. I don't expect our kids to shine, just do their part.
ReplyDeleteL. from W.
I found this post very interesting. At times it seems to me my Japanese DIL is too critical of grandson Caleb. If I point out something good she always counters with a negative. If I try to compliment her as a wife and mother (which she is), she always counters with a list of her faults. Your post gives me new insight. She's been my DIL for almost 20 years and I'm still learning.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like the Mennonites I know too. I wonder if our cultures are similar in other areas?
ReplyDeleteThe sophisticated (sneaky?) compliment method seems far superior to the blatant one. Very interesting post!
ReplyDeleteInteresting cultural insight, which I hadn't noticed. Maybe it's because I boast about my son, as he's done so well against a couple of odds. I'd want my kid to know his parents were proud, not just leaving him wondering. I want him to achieve goals because of his desires, not just to please parents. But I'm confused about some cultures talking about money/expenses more than my parents. My parents were too proud and didn't want us to know anything about expenses, since they figured I'd marry some rich guy. When that didn't happen, I first learned by horrid experience. DrumMajor
ReplyDeletethis was the best post I have read all day,
ReplyDeleteI grew up in canada, my family before me and then theirs, we were raised not to brag so I don't think its an just Asian thing, we were taught to be proud of our families but never to be boastful.
Today you remind me of The Joy Luck Club. Telling the truth is not my idea of bragging. They are beautiful kids (now adults). You can be proud.
ReplyDeleteOnly false pride goes before a fall. Dianne
I'd say we don't tell our kids how proud we are of them nearly enough. I try to.
ReplyDeleteI try to laud the positive. Not so much bragging, as celebrating, don't you think?!
Everyone: I should clear something up. In the Japanese culture, parents do praise their children and applaud their accomplishments in the home. They just tend not to broadcast it everywhere else. I say this as something I know within my own situation growing up in Hawaii. I'm NOT positive about what it's like in Japan.
ReplyDeleteMany of my friends do not have children, so I try not to talk about my children or grandchildren. They tend to think everything I say about them is bragging. With my friends who do have children, we are pretty frank about our likes and dislikes where they are concerned. At the same time, we respect our children as separate people from us who are leading their own lives. The grandkids are smart, beautiful and perfect, of course.
ReplyDeleteI'm not so sure that not bragging about one's children is strictly an Asian cultural thing. It certainly was also a 1950's American/Canadian/leftover-Victorian thing, at least in my family and in the families of those of our world then. It amazes me, and sometimes even irritates me, that today so many Americans are eager to tell you how brilliant/beautiful their children/ grandchildren are. I'd rather draw my own conclusion instead of being told what my conclusion should be.
ReplyDeleteGreat post.....
ReplyDeleteI do love your translations!!
Interesting post..I spend a lot of time trying to figure out what my daughter does some of the things she does...but I don't think I brag or complain too much....Some people seem to regard it as a competition...
ReplyDeleteI loved this. Now, I just outright brag about my kids. I guess that is the difference.
ReplyDeleteYou have much to brag about in those two wonderful children of yours.
I love this! It's just so sweet and funny, like you!
ReplyDeleteThis is super, Kay. I love it. What a great write, especially the last part about Jon. I can't stop smiling.
ReplyDeleteK
I read this post yesterday while I was writing my new post .I think it is a good thing not to brag about our kids but we Indians tend do too much of it .Making your kids/grandkids sing ,recite poetry ,dance infront of others/guests/family members was a common thing before.And if one had a daughter of marriagable age ,oh, parents would never leave a chance to showcase or broadcast her housekeeping and cooking skills .Thank god things have changed over the years.
ReplyDeleteI loved this, especially the part about Jon travelling :)
ReplyDeleteThere is definitely an east-West divide on this issue - I feel no shame in bragging about my children, and find it hard to understand those parents who don't :) But not you, now you've explained it.
You never boast, but your love and pride shine through anyway.
In my high school in Chicago in the early 60s, there was no need for Japanese parents to brag. Their kids were obviously the best. In studies, in student government, in service to the school and community, in friendship. My "Oriental" (as they were called then) classmate friends were humble but could not help but shine.
ReplyDeleteI remember especially the Yamada "dynasty" of four siblings, each a few years apart, each graduated a valedictorian of their class.
Interesting tidbit about that culture. And you have a gorgeous family!!
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post! I was not brought up to brag about our kids either in my family but it's hard not to show how proud you are of them.
ReplyDeleteBeing of American Indian heritage - we don't brag about our children so we don't bring attention to them where the "evil eye" will have something bad happen to them. Be proud of your child by their actions if you did a good job, you won't have to say anything, their own actions will speak for themselves.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous: I remember seeing the movie The Good Earth (Pearl Buck) where a Chinese mother said something about her baby being so wonderful and then being afraid that the gods would then bring misfortune on their child because of their vanity. It was something like that anyway. It's so interesting to learn about different cultures.
ReplyDelete