Cancer

In February of last year both of my thyroids were removed because there were lumps that seemed suspicious. I never really, truly believed they could be cancerous but the doctors felt it was too much of a risk to leave them in. It's funny how hard it is to believe that there could be something truly dangerous in your body. I'm not a teenager. I shouldn't feel indestructible.

But there was cancer. A little bit. A very tiny bit. I didn't even need radiation.

After the operation, the scar healed badly so the keloid had to be cut out and restitched in August.

Now, a year later, I'm told I need to have a body scan. I take two thyrogen shots (that I need to pay a thousand dollars for) that's supposed to do something. Then I'm told I'm going to be given a radioiodine pill and then have a body scan. This is to make sure there are no other thyroid cancer cells floating around my body. This pill is so strong (but proven safe they tell me)that I have to sleep in a separate bed for several nights, stay away from young children and flush the toilet three times.

And I'm wondering. Is it truly worth the cost and radiation to find cancer cells if what they found originally is so small?

I'm finding that growing older means we have to really pay attention and learn about how to keep ourselves healthy. I guess we can't just let nature take care of everything anymore. It almost seems as though we have to somehow fight nature. I don't know what to think. Why is it I still feel a bit indestructible? Common sense tells me that's not the case. There are too many problems I'm facing now with diabetes, cholesterol, and now thyroid. Ah well.... I'll leave it to tomorrow.

Snowflake Miracles

It's funny that after over 30 years in Illinois it took my retirement for me to stop and marvel at the miracle of snowflakes. I knew it was always there. You could see its miniature beauty when it would land on my black coat. But I didn't take the time to really study them. But now as I contemplate our move to Hawaii and the prospect that I would no longer be able to see them, the crystal wonders are even more precious. I'm looking out my window and it looks sunny and bright. Today is the first day of spring! But this is the midwest. We're expecting a snowstorm tomorrow! Who knows? Maybe I'll get a last chance to enjoy the miracles of winter.

Spring Road Hog?

We've had a rather rough Midwestern winter with very low temperatures and lots of snowy days. When the temperatures suddenly rose to almost 49 degrees, it felt like spring although most Chicagoans are not fooled. We're never confident of lasting warmth until May. However, it was a good time to take KC out for a walk. The sidewalks still have snow on them so we walked on the road. We can do this rather safely since our little village is set off away from the busier streets. At first KC begged to be carried and then when she felt the wind in her downy hair, giggled and started unsteadily zigzagging about the street stopping to see a leaf dancing with the wind, a puddle of melting snow catching the sparkling sunlight and shadows painting the street. Everything was magical and needing investigation. As we watched her, everything was new for us, too. Perhaps that's why we love babies so much. They remind us again of the wonders that are always there for us if we only look with innocent eyes.

Like Mother, Like Daughter

Now able to walk by herself, KC loved looking at all the possibilities at Babies R Us. Much like her mother who has shopping down to a science, I imagine she will follow in her footsteps. Amazing to me because I definitely dislike shopping.

35 Year Old Wedding Gown

Art and I have been married for 35 years. I won't be taking my wedding dress with me when we move. I don't need it to remind me that I've been very fortunate in finding the person I am spending my life with.

People ask what it takes to make a marriage last. Above all, it's communication, but it's really the three Cs. Caring, Communication and Compromise. I don't remember if this is the traditional three Cs but it's what has made it work for us.

You also have to keep working on it. You can't sit back and take it for granted. The gown has yellowed and browned but in my mind it's full of colors; my daughter's green go-ahead determination, my son's golden smile, my husband's azure sky outlook, my granddaughter's rosy pink cheeks...

Michael's Christmas Gift

This teddy bear reminds me of a beautiful student I had some 18 years ago. He came from a family consisting of 4 brothers and sister with a mom addicted to drugs and no father. Life was not easy for a child growing up among gangs and drugs. He came to first grade not knowing all his alphabet and missed the first few weeks of school. However, there was a spark in Michael that was just waiting to be tended into fire. Bright and eager, at the end of the year, he was reading at grade level and loving school.

During the holidays when so many children bring gifts for the teacher, I usually hide them so that children who are unable to afford them cannot see that other students have brought colorful packages with such pride and happiness.

On the final morning before winter break, Michael came in and handed me a bundle that was wrapped and taped awkwardly, parts of the surprise gift showing. He handed it to me with a look of such nervous expectancy that during recess, I called him in and opened it with him. It was this teddy bear. I was astounded. He had given me his only teddy bear. I gave him a hug and told him I would always keep it and think of him whenever I look at it. And I have. I think of Michael whenever I look at it. During the holiday break I stopped by his house and gave him a special bear from me so he would have it to remember me.

Unfortunately, the years were not kind to Michael. I would stop by and check on him and ask him about his work. I tutored him when I could but he gradually lost the marvelous footing he had gained in 1st grade. I felt helpless.

When I look at his teddy bear on my shelf I see his beautiful face, his brown trusting eyes and sweet voice. I ask myself, could I have done more? I'm afraid of the answer.

Hide and Seek

We had the lights in the diningroom off and baby KC on the other side of the French doors. We would creep up to the doors and say, "Boo" and KC would scream an ear piercing shriek and run off laughing. Then she'd come back and see if the "boogey man" had come back to play with her.

Memories

Jon came home to look over his things to help organize what we should bring with us to Hawaii for him, what we could sell and what he would like us to bring to New Mexico for him to use right now.

So many memories are locked securely in the most mundane objects. There's a flute he brought back from South America, masks from Africa, snow globes we brought him from France, scuffed baby shoes because he used them as brakes when he rode his Big Wheel on the sidewalk, baseball shirts from his Little League glory days. Parting from these objects is not easy.

I'm not at all sure how much we'll be able to fit in a 20 foot moving container even with the few pieces of furniture we're planning to move to Hawaii.

Beautiful Children

We have been blessed with two children whose values and kindness towards others always make us proud.

I almost lost my daughter at birth due to a truly bungling doctor in Chicago and my son was born in the Great Lakes Naval Hospital elevator with my husband having to deliver him alone.

From those rather unusual beginnings, both kids found their own way and their own calling.

KC and the Computer

KC begged grandpa to let her play on the computer so he showed her how to use the mouse. KC seems to be a chip off the ol' block.

Daughter and Granddaughter

My daughter was born two weeks early 32 years ago. She drives everywhere, is organized, responsible, loving, smart and responsible. Her daughter, my granddaughter is independent, opinionated, loving, full of humor and adorable, just as my daughter was so long ago. And yes, she's still that way also.

I am constantly amazed at seeing my daughter being a mother. She reads everything there is to read about child care and makes sure she is raising her baby in the best way possible. Her husband is also always there to make sure his daughter is well cared for. There's so much child research out now and available on the Net constantly contradicting each other that it's rather maddening but somehow they do the best they can, as we did.

My granddaughter is 14 months old now. Sometimes, as I watch her toddle about the room, I suddenly see my daughter and it brings home to me how quickly the time has passed. People used to always tell me things like that when I was younger and I listened with half an ear. But it's true. It's true.

I am filled with pride for my beautiful daughter and I'm thrilled that now she will have a daughter to be proud of also.