Mom wanted to cook some special dishes for my sister-in-law, Nancy's birthday a few days ago. Mom has her signature macaroni salad that everybody raves over. Unfortunately, the preparation is an almost all day affair. I don't even know all of what she does because I don't ever want to make it. As wonderful as it is, it is too labor intensive. However, she was adamant about making it because she knows how much everybody loves it.
On top of this, she wanted to make kinpira gobo (burdock root stir fried in a teriyaki sauce). We couldn't dissuade her from making it. She does allow us to help her with this one because it requires a LOT of cutting. I used the food processor to make the first slices and then it took three of us (Art had to help too) about an hour to cut the stalks into toothpick sized sticks.
The following morning she was ill. She was sneezing, lethargic and needing to sleep a lot. In the evening, she was still exhausted. Art mentioned that the last few times she cooked a big meal of the family favorites she became ill the following days too. Art and I are trying to take the load from her shoulders and do more of the cooking.
It's hard to decide how to handle this. We know she could become ill, but she takes pride in her cooking. It now seems to take more and more out of her to prepare these dishes. I've tried to help, but she likes to do it her way. She isn't able to verbalize her affection because that's not part of her culture, but she can pour all her love into her cooking. Nancy and Dennis both know she loves them, but this is her way of telling them.
I just wish there were an easier way.
The following morning she was ill. She was sneezing, lethargic and needing to sleep a lot. In the evening, she was still exhausted. Art mentioned that the last few times she cooked a big meal of the family favorites she became ill the following days too. Art and I are trying to take the load from her shoulders and do more of the cooking.
It's hard to decide how to handle this. We know she could become ill, but she takes pride in her cooking. It now seems to take more and more out of her to prepare these dishes. I've tried to help, but she likes to do it her way. She isn't able to verbalize her affection because that's not part of her culture, but she can pour all her love into her cooking. Nancy and Dennis both know she loves them, but this is her way of telling them.
I just wish there were an easier way.
we had a girl from Japan stay with us as an exchange student one summer, then she returned on her own twice more to stay with, we grew to love her as a daughter.The first month was quite difficult because of cultural differences and not verbalizing her feelings was a bit of a stumbling block.We Canadians speak our feelings and our family had to do more research onhow to deall with our guest,to better understand her ways, very complicated, but we did and she came to understand ours to return as our guest twice more.We had been briefed on Japanese culture but needed much more than the preparation suggested.You love your mum and she loves you and she knows only one way to show her affection, thats a difficult situation for sure.They say getting older are the golden years, I don't think its always true.Less complicated dishes and more company meals out maybe.If she'll go for it,
ReplyDeleteI think there comes a time for everyone with elderly parents when you have to decide between stepping in too much or their quality of life. If it gives your mother so much pleasure to cook for you all then perhaps she ought to be allowed to do it even if she risks being unwell afterwards. She'll probably decide for herself when it's time to slow down. That's how I always felt with my own grandparents and parents as they grew older and Christopher felt the same with his parents too.
ReplyDeleteIt won't be easy for her to give up something she loves doing and the decision will have to come partly from her I would guess. She is very lucky to have you and Art looking after her best interests with so much love.
ReplyDeleteThis is a bit of a problem, as you say. Perhaps the less complicated dishes would work, with an occasional elaborate one? A compromise of sorts. Or if she thought you didn't LIKE it, maybe she wouldn't want to make it? How sweet and considerate you are to your mom, in any event.
ReplyDeleteMaybe the relatives could hint, next time, that they would love to have a certain other dish, an easier one?
ReplyDeleteKay, I am sorry to hear that your Mom get ill after cooking a big meal. I know she loves to cook! My Mom is 74 now and she stresses more about cooking for the entire family these days. She seems exhausted even though we all help. I guess that goes with getting older! Get well wishes for your Mom!
ReplyDeleteMaybe you could help your Mom look for some less labor-intensive dishes to cook?
ReplyDeleteIt is so hard when the time comes for parents and children to reverse roles. Blessings on you during this time of your lives.
ReplyDeleteMy mother used to make about 8-10 entrees when she hosted dinners at her home in Manoa. Don't know how she did it. She would chase us out of the kitchen, because she didn't want to be distracted. She stopped all of this when I began to host the parties at my home in 1991, the year we bought our house. Now, of course, she has full-blown dementia and cannot cook at all.
ReplyDeleteAs you said, cooking is your mom's way of showing her love. So doing it less labor intensive would not mean the same for her. Plus when is Japanese cooking ever not labor intensive? I'm afraid I agree with others who say she will have to decide from her own self when it is time to do less. Maybe when it becomes too difficult. My father who just made 89 still works in the yard everyday, not just gardening but physical hard work like pounding, carrying and using power tools. Everyone who knows him thinks it is good and that all the hard work is what is keeping him healthy. He just went to the doctor recently, and other than incontinence he's still very healthy (yet he constantly says he's not going to be around too much longer). Maybe not doing as much will cause other problems, like losing agility and dementia.
ReplyDeleteL. from W.
It sounds as if she would rather get exhausted than be out of the game. I sympathize. For a woman so embedded in family life as she is, her ability to keep up with her share of the work must be very important. And she must be very proud, too.
ReplyDeleteMy mother in law was not so much like that, but she did worry sometimes that what she did would not be good enough to please us.
maybe you'll have to convince her to teach you how to make her dishes more simply so that her legacy continues...I like the idea of showing love with your cooking daily as you prepare meals for family even if it's only your spouse...lol!
ReplyDeleteWhat a dilemma for you and Art and of course for Dennis and Nancy as well. Your mother is wonderful, and although I'm hesitant because of her health, I have to agree with the others who say she should decide how much she can and cannot do. She would hate to feel useless, wouldn't she?
ReplyDeleteBut how awful for you to watch, knowing she is apt to become ill after her efforts.
However, when the cooking is an expression of her love, it would be a shame to deny her the opportunity.
I also wish there were an easier way.
K
Kay and Art -- A friend has a 94-year-old mother, who has had two broken hips/legs and gets around with a walker. The mom sits at a table and slowly cuts/prepares food for cooking, and her daughter brings her the items to cut, or a little bowl for mixing. The mother still "supervises" quite well. Might be able to downsize the tasks your Mom insists on doing, or have her sit to prevent fatigue. Good Luck, but DO watch how much sake she puts in her dishes....that's her secret. Aloha, DrumMajor
ReplyDeleteI'm so touched by this post! All that love.
ReplyDeleteL. from W.: You're absolutely right! Japanese cooking is really labor intensive!
ReplyDeleteDrum Major: We laugh, but yes, sake IS that secret ingredient.
I understand completely. When your mom gets to the point where she just can't do those things she thinks she should, it is very hard to convince her that she must take care of herself. I'm just happy you two are there to support her, and be aware of how she is doing, even if she doesn't listen.
ReplyDeleteShe is an amazing woman. You all are.
Gosh I don't know the answer to this one. Hard to tell Mom what to do I think. Perhaps she will accept help with future meals. Art is a very good person to help out. How nice he can cook too. Is Mom your mom or Art's mom?
ReplyDeleteDianne: She's my mom, but Art really treats her like she is his.
ReplyDeleteDina had a good idea. Surely there are easier dishes that would also show her love.
ReplyDeleteIt is wonderful that she has you and Art to help her.
My mother showed her love through cooking too, so I understand. but there does come a time when it becomes too hard on them.
ReplyDeleteJust point out your concerns to your mother and then let her decide. She won't want to be told what to do.
I understand .I see this with my mother and my mother-in-law .Cooking food for family and friend is the way of showing their love for others.
ReplyDeleteIn any culture I think our Mom's were of the old school. They are and were amazing cooks who didn't have all the fancy appliances we have today. Your Mom sounds like one of those amazing cooks and cooking for the family is a wonderful way of showing how much you love them. These tasks get harder as we get older and oh boy, after spending a few hours in the kitchen even I feel like a sit down. You and Art are wonderful to be so concerned for her well being and to help her prepare those delicious meals. I'm so sorry she was ill afterwards and I wish her a very speedy recovery.
ReplyDeleteReally...not affectionate in the Japanese culture?...I didn't know that.. All day is a long time to do prep and then to cook, but I don't think your Mom will stop...this is a tough one..hugs..
ReplyDeleteYou let her do what she wants to do. She's an adult, and if it wears her out, she knows this, but it's what makes her happy.
ReplyDeleteAh, Kay, I can so empathise. My mom was the same: leaning on the counter, shaking, fighting cancer while insisting she makes dad his sandwich.
ReplyDeleteShe could barely stand.
He was perfectly capable, other than the brain tumour issues.
Refused to let others know how ill she was (care workers, best friends) - it so got me mad.
I let her know that I was there to help and if she needed it I was there.
I'd moved 400km to be there, took a job from h3ll, left hubby and adult kids behind.
It's taken me a long time to deal with it.
I got so mad.
Thanks for listening!!!!
Jenn: Wow! I'm so sorry you had to go through that, Jenn. I guess our moms will insist on doing what they want to.
ReplyDeleteEverybody: I talked to mom about her getting sick lately every time she worked all day to cook. She agreed and said she noticed it too. We're going to work on some compromises and try to make sure she doesn't overtire herself from now on. Phew!