Mom and I had this discussion a few days ago when I went down for breakfast.
Mom: I had nightmares last night. War is such a terrible thing. People turn into animals. I was watching a video about all the cruelties before bed and it brought back memories....
Me: Mom! Stop watching those videos, stop reading about them!
Mom: I have to learn about them.
Me: No you don't. You know enough about it. You suffered enough through it. You should focus on happy things.
Mom: It's my duty to know how others suffered. Their spirits won't rest if everybody forgets about them.
Me: They don't want you to torture yourself either.
Mom: But I need to research all of it so somebody knows. History is important to study!
Me: No! You don't need to do this. If you were going to write a bunch of Letters to the Editor or a book or something where you can make a difference, it would be good to do this research. However, if you're just making yourself unhappy it isn't necessary. Too bad you can't do a blog.
Mom: But, people have to learn about this so it doesn't happen again.
Me: But you're not writing or doing anything to change anybody's mind. Your learning more of this is just making you miserable. So stop already!
Mom: I guess we both have a difference in philosopy. I can't stop needing to learn more and you want to be happy.
Me: Yes. I do want to be happy.
Mom: I had nightmares last night. War is such a terrible thing. People turn into animals. I was watching a video about all the cruelties before bed and it brought back memories....
Me: Mom! Stop watching those videos, stop reading about them!
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| Mom |
Me: No you don't. You know enough about it. You suffered enough through it. You should focus on happy things.
Mom: It's my duty to know how others suffered. Their spirits won't rest if everybody forgets about them.
Me: They don't want you to torture yourself either.
Mom: But I need to research all of it so somebody knows. History is important to study!
Me: No! You don't need to do this. If you were going to write a bunch of Letters to the Editor or a book or something where you can make a difference, it would be good to do this research. However, if you're just making yourself unhappy it isn't necessary. Too bad you can't do a blog.
Mom: But, people have to learn about this so it doesn't happen again.
Me: But you're not writing or doing anything to change anybody's mind. Your learning more of this is just making you miserable. So stop already!
Mom: I guess we both have a difference in philosopy. I can't stop needing to learn more and you want to be happy.
Me: Yes. I do want to be happy.
hmmm...well you gave your mom your caring advice and I guess she has to do what she thinks she has to do! Kay, only she knows what she really went through and it has had a profound impact on her. She needs to do this I would say...to help her understand.
ReplyDeleteI know how both of you feel, but you are right: she will do what she wants, whether you approve or not. I have stopped reading most of the news for the same reason as you point out: I can't do anything about it but I can do something about my own state of mind. That's it!
ReplyDeleteI am with you here Kay .
ReplyDeleteI fear I am more like your Mom than you. I have insatiable curiosity, but finding the answers does not make you more happy. Mostly, it makes me angry with the folks who are oblivious to the past.
ReplyDeleteYour Mom is so beautiful. I think you are lying about her age.
how about getting your mom to write more about her experiences and post on your blog so we don't all forget and then making her aware of the power of forgiveness for herself so she can be free of the negative feelings and let god judge the evil people of the world. Sounds like she needs some healing...
ReplyDeleteMy Dad used to watch the news all the time (when cable and CNN were a new option.) I could see it drag him down a bit. I feel like the whole world is changing and there's not anything I can do for the big picture. Maybe Mom can choose things from the History channel instead of the news. DrumMajor
ReplyDeleteI can only watch so much and these days it doesn't take much before I find myself feeling sorely depressed. I want to be aware of what's going on, but it's too easy to become totally miserable. It's one of the reasons I try to focus on the beauty and the joy that is available to all of us as much as possible.
ReplyDeleteOh, I can so relate to your mother. Guilt drives me to read things I think the world needs to remember but I'm in no position to influence the world. I'm trying hard to break that pattern but it's not easy.
ReplyDeletePerhaps Lyn is right about her writing some of her stories. I have letters written by my great-grandmother as far back as 1894. Perhaps she could write a series of stories. If I had her story I'd feel the same way. Letters or stories for her grandchildren might relieve some of her anxiety.
My maternal grandfather was born and raised in Pyongyang, the capital of North Korea. He immigrated to Hawaii in 1903 or 1904 as a sugar cane laborer. He was never able to re-visit his neighborhood, but did take many trips to South Korea, where he and my grandmother are buried. He has been named a Patriot of Korea, because of his efforts to liberate Korea from Japan.
ReplyDeleteThankfully, he never saw Korea during the wars. It would have broken his heart.
Lin: I don't think it's guilt or the need for forgiveness that she's suffering from. She's always had PTSD from what she experienced (ie. her sister dying) and seeing her father return near death from the Siberian Prisoner of War camp. Watching violence brings it back.
ReplyDeleteDrumMajor: I'm afraid she wouldn't understand the History Channel. We also don't have cable. :-) Thank you so much for your e-mail message, DrumMajor. Your idea to have her hold a photo of a pleasant experience is wonderful. That is the reason why I have so many of our travel photos hanging around her room and travel photo albums on her shelf so she can remember those happy times.
I think I know how your mother feels. My mother and I had long, long conversations about the sad things she went through in her young years, and these are a legacy to me. This is so, even though I never discuss these matters with anyone. It would be a loss to paint everything over with only happy memories.
ReplyDeleteAnd like your mother, I want to know how people have suffered and survived.
I can sympathise with you both. It took a while before I learned to let go completely of a past that I can not change, to enjoy the present and anticipate the future.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry she feels such a burden. Why not a blog for her to tell her story? Then it would be out there for all time.
I think it is wonderful your Mom wants to learn about things but unfortunately it made her have nightmares. War is a terrible thing, I agree with her. I feel for both of you.
ReplyDeleteKay, I have always admired your Mom. I think she is an amazing lady and feel very sad that she is having these nightmares and I know how hard that must be on you. It is so hard to comprehend what she went through. I rarely watch the news any more. I can only keep praying that one day children everywhere will be safe and free from war.
ReplyDeleteI've read all the comments and have a slightly different idea as a result: if your mother doesn't want to put things on your blog (and she may not want to) how about helping her write a book for children? That is one way to influence the future, by reaching the young.
ReplyDeleteIf I hear news of a particular child's suffering, and there is a place to send donations, I do it. But I can't watch horrors about war en masse. I have to consider how much chance I have of making a difference, and those are the things I choose to do.
K
it's good to hv mum n daughter talk
ReplyDeleteDear Kay,
ReplyDeleteWould your mother just do a few guest posts on your blog? I am sure they would be well received. Please let her know how much everyone here thinks of her and perhaps that will influence her. Also, let her feel the love surround her and that will keep the nightmares away...
Love,
Kay
Does she need to talk about what she is watching, feeling, remembering? If so, then she needs a listener who will not cut her off and tell her to stop thinking about these things.
ReplyDeleteI admire her wanting to learn all she can, but she may need an outlet for the feelings it stirs up.
Permit this outsider the boldness to speak for your respected Mother who is a hero to me.
ReplyDeleteShe feels that the ATTENTION and COMPASSION she performs are MERIT
that HONORS Victims.
I feel the same, though I do get emotional, about the Holocaust, and defending Israel. It is my DUTY to my ancestors, to my family, to the world. To God.
See why I admire your Mom?
Fond Grateful Aloha from Waikiki
Comfort Spiral
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I think you are both right. Terrible things should be remembered and the lessons learned, but perhaps your mum is not the right person to be doing it, it should be left to teachers and politicians who can then pass on the knowledge and teach others. And you are right to want her to be happy and to realise that she can't do much single handedly.
ReplyDeleteEverybody: Thank you for your kind comments, everybody. I have written about some of mom's experiences on this blog.
ReplyDeleteWhen she was working with me on getting all the information into the Tale of Three Sisters that I put together, mom felt a huge weight taken from her shoulders. She was thrilled that everything was finally recorded. My aunts and uncle were also happy that their stories were finally told so their children would understand their family history.
However, it brought back much of the horror of her memories and she had nightmares for a while after that. I really think she's better now, but it's a burden she will probably always carry with her.
It is wonderful that you have written some of your mother's stories. I've always regretted failing to do that. Now you have automatically passed her life lessons down to your children and grandchildren. Thus, your Mom has made a positive impact on the world.
ReplyDeleteDick: This is the perfect time for you to sit down and write those stories for your family!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry your mother carries all of this pain. I do wish she had an outlet. Is there anyway you can somehow get her to balance her time learning about the past with another activity? I know I only allow myself a certain amount of time to study or dwell on things that disturb me. She needs to release the memories as they come. She is such a dear, beautiful woman. I hope she finds peace.
ReplyDeleteAre you sure your mom is not part Jewish?
ReplyDeleteThis is a Jewish thing too.