Funerals in Hawaii

We just attended a funeral for a dear neighbor and friend, Charlie.  He and his wife, Wini lived next to us and we are forever going back and forth between our houses to chat or share goodies.  Our hearts are breaking for Wini, but she's been an oasis of dignified calm even as we are fully aware of what this loss has been for her.

Although she and Charlie are nearing their 80's, she smiled mistily and said, "I thought we'd grow old together."  Wini organized everything and made sure that everyone was welcomed and knew how much their support had been appreciated.  I am amazed at her spiritual, inner strength.

The funeral service was beautiful.  It occurred to me then while hearing the eulogies that there's so much you don't know about some people until their funeral.  Charlie and Wini were never ones to brag about their accomplishments.  Therefore, Art, mom and myself sat there in awe of all that he had done, all the positions he'd held and what he meant to so many people.

Funerals are different in Hawaii.  When you attend a funeral, you usually bring a Koden which is a monetary gift to the family to help pay for the funeral expenses.  It is especially helpful because funerals here also have dinners for all the people who attend right after the service.  There's also the huge wreaths that grace the church or temple which are extremely costly.

We were also invited to attend the inurnment and there was another luncheon after that service.   I really enjoyed the dinner and luncheon because we got to spend time with neighbors and Wini and Charlie's wonderful relatives.  Art really, really loved it because he got to see people he knew when he was a boy on the Big Island.  Coincidentally, Wini and Art are both from Honokaa.  It's one of life's wonderful coincidences.

I guess funerals are the same as those on the mainland in that you get to reconnect happily with those people you haven't seen in a long time.  I think Charlie is looking down at us and smiling.

And I know he's really proud of Wini.

Funerals Here and There

We attended the funeral of his classmate yesterday afternoon. This is the long ago friend who passed away suddenly while Art and his classmates all gathered around him.

I was one of the few spouses who attended with the group of Honokaa classmates. I had several observations.

They were a truly warm and friendly group. Art thought maybe it's because they all grew up in a small town where everybody tended to know each other. I was surprised to learn that one of Art's classmates taught at my high school around my younger brother's time. It's even more surprising that so many of them now live in our neighborhood, considering they're from the Big Island.

Their late friend's widow stopped by and let them know how much she appreciated their coming and how special it was for her husband to pass away while he was in the warm and loving company of his childhood friends. She was grateful that they were there to help and support her at the time also.

I loved meeting all of Art's childhood friends. They told me he was a "good boy" growing up. How bad could he be since they trusted him to be the class treasurer? What I loved most was their inviting me into their happy group and letting me know that they expected me to join their next regular get-together.

Another observation I made was the big difference in Hawaii versus Mainland funerals. On the mainland, when someone passes away everybody brings flowers and food to the house. Cards are sent. There is a visitation and funeral where people pay their respects and do their best to bring solace to the family.

In Hawaii, there is the same visitation and funeral. However, after the funeral there is a huge, incredible buffet. Huge. Last nights' dinner buffet was amazing! There were so much leftovers that their friend's widow insisted we all bring food home. Another Hawaii difference is we all enclose money with our sympathy cards. It stems from the Japanese custom of giving "koden" which is money given at funerals. It's supposed to help with funeral expenses. (Have you seen how much those wreaths cost?) The funerals are also times for family and friends who haven't seen each other in a long time to get together.

Maybe that isn't so different from the Mainland.

The pastor said that funerals are for the living, not really for the person who is no longer there.

I think it's true.