I am slowly reading a book that was recommended a while ago by a blogger titled Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by psychotherapist, Lori Gottlieb. Darn! I'm so sorry I forgot who the blogger was. (Aha! I saw in the comments that the blogger was Donna of Just Me.) Thank you, Donna.
Anyway, in one part of the book Gottlieb mentions how her father went to a funeral for a friend and told the late friend's daughter how proud her dad was of her. He told her how his friend would constantly talk about her accomplishments and beam with pride. She was surprised because she said he'd never told her any of that.
The following morning, I texted my daughter and son to let them know how proud we are of them and how loved they are.
All this reminded me of a post I wrote in 2016.
You might all remember the words, "Love means never having to say you're sorry" from the movie, Love Story. Actually, in a marriage, you really do need to say you're sorry.
However, there is a difference in the Japanese culture when it comes to saying the words, "I love you." I'm sorry or "Gomen nasai" is definitely used whenever needed. But I love you (Anata o aishite iru) is rarely said. It isn't said much to children or to spouses or lovers. Lovers are probably more likely to say "Anata o suki." (I like you.)
Mom said that it's all part of the samurai spirit. Love is understood, it doesn't have to be said. It's too powerful an emotion and is meant to be felt without words.
I asked our Tokyo friend, Osamu "Sam" in Japan before I wrote this 2016 post and he said:
"Yes, please write a blog post about the Japanese custom of never saying the actual words. Yes, that is true. First of all, as you know, Japanese are shy, modest, respectful in expressing our feelings. As a result the older generation like us would never say " I love you." We have been told that "Love" needs to be created, accumulated with mutual effort over the years by couples after getting married.Since Sam is a little older than me, I decided to also ask my Tokyo cousin who is a couple of decades younger than me. He Skyped back this message.
However the younger generation might have a different philosophy from us. They are more aggressive, active and self-assertive using expressions of mutual "Love". But, in my opinion, they are still hesitant to express their thoughts directly to each other. Most likely they would do so indirectly using different phrases. They would not say " I love you" all the time as in other cultures. Even if they do, it is going to be after a few years of marriage. And older people would certainly not. I hope my answer helps you understand this. I might be wrong. Please correct me after talking to your mother."
"Japanese usually do not use "Aishite iru, I love you." It's because of being shy. However sometime, in important situations, they use " Aishitemasu". Sometimes a lady (my wife) might ask her husband or boy friend to say " Aishiteru" to confirm their feelings and condition."
Oops! My kids got peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Sorry about that.
Between Art and me... It's understood. It's in the occasional hug. It's in the listening and sharing. It's in the way he cleans the bathroom for me. It's in his making my mom's happiness a top priority for him. It's in every touch, caress and smile.
However, I do like the fact that my son and daughter tell their children and spouses all the time that they are loved.
We live in your, "Love is understood, it doesn't have to be said," mode. We are of British extraction not so very long ago. We're not very gushy.
ReplyDeleteI guess being from a younger generation, we do say I love you daily and largely it carries little weight and feels more like a greeting. Though on occasion, usually after having received or done something very special, we say it with extra weight or feeling behind the words and it is understood perfectly by the other. But like you said, that only comes after years of being married and building up the relationship with all those little things.
ReplyDeleteI'm probably the one, since I did recommend the book on my blog recently.
ReplyDeleteKay of Musings: Hi Donna! Thank you so much for the recommendation. In fact, I’ve even got Art reading it now and he’s usually only reading science fiction. But he is finding this book very interesting.
DeleteWe are the opposite - we say it all the time and mean it!
ReplyDeleteThis is fascinating and gives me a great deal to think on. My sister and her husband have been married for 40 years, Tim and I for 26. She finds it odd that we do not, for example, give each other a kiss before leaving the house or call out, 'love you!'. We are quiet people. He is shy. What she interprets as a 'lack' is just our way. We do love each other. We just feel no need to prove this. It lies between us.
ReplyDeleteI understand totally since we tend to be the same way.
DeleteThe Japanese way makes sense to me because it really is about the actions and the relationship and not about the words. John and I have never said them, but we're affectionate and caring nonetheless.
ReplyDeleteFunny! I’m sansei & bossy. Decided to “teach” my family to be more affectionate. My nisei mom said “Japanese don’t do that” initially.
ReplyDeleteShe laughed & eventually got on board, as did my father and brother: kisses, hugs & a rare “love you”.
Fond memories & I’m still bossy.
Li
Thank you very much for your comment, Li. It's so wonderful to meet you.
DeleteAlthough my mom is technically Nisei, in actuality she is Issei. She was born on Molokai where my grandfather (Buddhist priest) was administering to the Hansen's disease patients there. They moved back to Yokohama and Sendai when she was almost 6 years old. She returned to Hawaii to be married after the war. Therefore she is very much Issei in her thinking. However, she's now quite comfortable with family giving her a hug and certainly loves it from her grandchildren and great grandchildren.
Kay, that’s a fascinating story about your mom. Have you thought of taking her back for a visit ? A friend has visited the beach area, uninhabited basically, with living quarters of some sort. You have to have permission because the remaining Hansen’s Disease patient must be protected and respected.
DeleteIt is a beautiful, unspoiled area.
Li
Hi again, Li! We definitely took mom back to see Kalaupapa and Kaunakakai. It was pretty extraordinary especially for my brother and me to see where mom spent the first 5 years of her life. I wrote about it in this blog post. https://travelerswife.blogspot.com/2012/11/molokai-day-2-part-1.html
DeleteGood that in the Japanese culture there is an open show of affection. I don't think "us white guys " know how to express genuine affection open affection. .
ReplyDeleteUuuummm.... Actually there isn't a lot of open show of affection in public. The Japanese culture is very private. However, I imagine it's understood in private and shown in many ways... in private.
DeleteWe say it a lot :)
ReplyDeleteAll the best Jan
I really have to think about this one. I use 'love' indiscriminately. I might say that I love red. Or chocolate. I call my husband 'love' as a pet name. But, every once in a while I write to him or a daughter or a grandkid and earnestly express my feelings. And that feels very different from 'loving' a nice sunset. There should, perhaps, be two modes, or two words? I know zero about Japanese, and so the expressions you write do not help.
ReplyDeleteI do often hear them say 'I like you' on the K Dramas.
ReplyDeleteI like it when my children hug and say “å¤§å„½ć” to their children. My husband and I can't help doing the same toward our grandchildren. “å¤§å„½ć” literally meaning “like so much” but actually meaning “love you”.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, “love” is tacit understanding among the people with long relationship like between you and Art. Look at the Chinese character “ę”, it consists of two Chinese words”åćć/receive” and “åæ/heart”; åæheart is contained in the middle of åreceive. Having said that, I think I’ll tell more frankly “love you” than “thank you” while I can do so in this world.
Yoko
Kay of Musings: ć©ććććććØć, Yoko-San. I think perhaps the younger generation in Japan might be more influenced by the western ease of saying, “I love you.” I really appreciate your explanation of the kanji for love. That’s really beautiful. I am trying to say the words more to my children and grandchildren too.
DeleteI always wondered how the spirit of love was between people who aren't openly affectionate. I recall that my Mom never actually said the words, and sometimes I wasn't sure of her parenting, but having lost her Mom at a young age, I understood later. My Dad said it. I always at least kissed the hubby high and bye. This assured that I'd probably start dinner and that he'd clean the dishes. We're fairly "huggy" in my family and say "wuv you" when finishing most phone calls. Yes, the actions between us certainly say there's love, care, and concern. The old Midwestern way certainly seems easier than learning how to write that very detailed character in Chinese. Wonder if it's similar to the Japanese "phrase", but your blog entry characters seem different than the Chinese. Glad your family is full of love and concern! Linda in Kansas
ReplyDeleteJapanese is really difficult because it's got 3 different writing systems. There's the hiragana and katakana alphabet systems (total of 92 letters) and 50,000 kanji characters. I'm so grateful that I just had to teach my first graders 26 letters. Well... counting capital letters that would be 52. :-) But at least we didn't have to worry about kanjis.
DeleteMy guy and I hug each other hello and goodbye, but we don't say much when we do it. We know we love each other by the nice things we do for the other one. Good post, lots to think about.
ReplyDeleteKay, I just downloaded a sample of that book. Thank you. My dad was English and although my family was loving, no one actually said those 3 words (that I remember). We do hug a lot. I like hugs and the grandchildren know this. But the younger generation say "Love U" almost as a greeting when hanging up a call. I thought it was strange at first, but kind of like it now. I do think it's hard for some people (myself included) to express themselves in intimate words... but do show it in other ways.
ReplyDeleteKay, What you speak of about the Japanese, is probably true of most Asian cultures. In India couples do not really say “I love you” in words, but show their love thru their actions. Even the younger generation do not speak out their feelings openly. Now that our kids & grandkids live in the US, I invariably end my calls with the grandkids with a “Love u”…..but have still not got around to saying that to my kids!! That’s just the Indian culture, or rather Asian culture, I think.
ReplyDeleteGood morning, Asha! Thank you for your comment about the Indian culture. This is so very interesting. My son and daughter-in-law have spent quite a bit of time in India and have shown us amazing photos of all there is to see. I know my husband is wanting to see the incredible sites of your country.
DeleteOh, that is wonderful! You must visit India. You will love it, and then we can also meet while you are here! That would be so nice!
DeleteAdmittedly not something I think about.
ReplyDelete