It was one of those gray, cloudy days. I'd gotten up the night before and suddenly thoughts started flooding through my mind.
What if the unthinkable happened and one of us or both of us met with a calamity and were gone? What would I or the kids do? Who would I call? How about the practical things like the cremation, burial, service?
We've been going to a number of funerals lately and realize what goes into them. Not easy. How do you cope with all those details and decisions when you're obviously going to be in anguish?
I started the ball rolling and created files on the computer and in my file cabinet. I chose photos so the kids could go through them easily and choose what they wanted from the selection. I've already scanned all our old photos so if they want more, they can access them easily.
I checked through several funeral homes and wrote down the phone numbers to the possible choices keeping in mind what kind of eating areas they have to accommodate people. In Hawaii we always serve a meal with a funeral so this is important.
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Art and I stipulated that our children are not to buy wreaths. They are a horrendous expense. They cost hundreds of dollars for a larger one and are used for display and then discarded. We would prefer they use the money for a donation to one of our charities.
One thing we want our children to do is provide a wonderful meal for everybody and make it a joyous occasion. Art and I have had wonderful lives together and are grateful to everybody who made it so. We want them to remember us happily. Art has said before that he doesn't care what we all did for his funeral since he wouldn't be there and wants us to do what would make us happy. However, he does now have one request. He doesn't want any somber music. He wants us to play John Lennon's, "Imagine."
What if the unthinkable happened and one of us or both of us met with a calamity and were gone? What would I or the kids do? Who would I call? How about the practical things like the cremation, burial, service?
I started the ball rolling and created files on the computer and in my file cabinet. I chose photos so the kids could go through them easily and choose what they wanted from the selection. I've already scanned all our old photos so if they want more, they can access them easily.
I checked through several funeral homes and wrote down the phone numbers to the possible choices keeping in mind what kind of eating areas they have to accommodate people. In Hawaii we always serve a meal with a funeral so this is important.
.jpg)
Art and I stipulated that our children are not to buy wreaths. They are a horrendous expense. They cost hundreds of dollars for a larger one and are used for display and then discarded. We would prefer they use the money for a donation to one of our charities.
One thing we want our children to do is provide a wonderful meal for everybody and make it a joyous occasion. Art and I have had wonderful lives together and are grateful to everybody who made it so. We want them to remember us happily. Art has said before that he doesn't care what we all did for his funeral since he wouldn't be there and wants us to do what would make us happy. However, he does now have one request. He doesn't want any somber music. He wants us to play John Lennon's, "Imagine."
Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people living for today
Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people living life in peace
You, you may say
I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one
I hope some day you'll join us
And the world will be as one
Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people sharing all the world
You, you may say
I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one
I hope some day you'll join us
And the world will live as one
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people living for today
Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people living life in peace
You, you may say
I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one
I hope some day you'll join us
And the world will be as one
Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people sharing all the world
You, you may say
I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one
I hope some day you'll join us
And the world will live as one
Me? Hmmm... maybe my nephews could perform something together. Wouldn't that be fun?
Tomorrow is forecasted to be a sunny day. I guess we can finish our planning another time.
For me, planning Mike's service was a labor of love and a mix of what I knew he would want and what would bring comfort to the rest of us. I believe it a near perfect tribute.
ReplyDeleteBut it is not a task I would wish for anyone. And I had been telling myself I have to stop turning every comment into an opportunity to vent my angst...but Geez, Kay, you practically took my hand and lead me to this one!
Mike and I did advanced directives and living wills some years ago. I don't know that I would have done anything differently in the past few months, but it was a comfort to have that and have the validation that I was indeed doing what Mike wished.
I did not call it a funeral or a memorial service so much as a celebration of a life. Tears and laughter in equal measure.
Thank you so much for your insight in this, Olga. You did such a beautiful, loving tribute for Mike and I know he was smiling down at the wonderful gathering from above. I think we really need to do some planning ahead of the time since our kids live out of town and would need help knowing what to do and where to go.
DeleteOlga has the right attitude! I found it very heart warming to plan my dad's funeral while his brain tumour was so bad. Writing his obituary was wonderful, as you focus on the good days, not the bad.
DeleteI suggested to my hospice client, who has prepared his funeral arrangements, that he write his obituary, too. He, apparently, has 4 months to live, but he may show them all!
I have helped several clients with this. I sung at one's funeral, too! It was wonderful.
Once you are gone things won't go as you planned so why bother. Your survivors will do what they want.
ReplyDeleteMy folks had their cremation contracts completed, so that was easier on we surviving children. We planned things at their services that reflected on them, and what made us comfortable.
ReplyDeleteMy friend just lost her 92-year-old mom, and we were stunned that she prepaid and pre-planned her funeral in great detail, down to the songs to sing, and preferred pallbearers. She'd even written the obituary. Just a few changes were made for the current situation, which left lots of time for her family and friends to chat about the fun times in life.
DrumMajor
There's still so much to think about... sigh...
DeleteIt's been so long ago that I laid my parents to rest, but it was much easier since there are six siblings and we managed to do it quite well. When I think about my parents planning like you are doing, it would have made it much easier. I love Lennon's "Imagine." Thank you for sharing it today.
ReplyDeleteI think its a wise thing to prepare, my both patents died within weeks of each other and it was I who had the job of preparing the funerals, big job and when the deceased wishes aren't confirmed you are riddled with guilt, wondering if this would have made them happy, here we always have a meal as well, so many things to consider, but the suns shining Kay, tomorrow is another day,
ReplyDeleteoh Kay, a necessary topic, difficult to face!
ReplyDeleteI'm sure it's 2nd only to planning a wedding in headache. Though it's hard to do anything like that with heartache.
ReplyDeleteWill you be helping Daisy? As I recall, my daughter did most of the planning for their wedding. :-)
DeleteI think that funerals are to comfort the living, the planning and thought that goes into them helps deal with those early days of grief and loss. It will be up to my survivors to decide how they would like to celebrate my life and what they want to remember. It might be easier if I plan for them, but I don't think it would be as comforting for them in the long run. The only thing I've said is that I would prefer people not to wear black; but if people want to wear black that will be up to them, it will be their feelings on the day, not mine.
ReplyDeleteI rather like the idea of everyone coming in happy clothes instead of black too.
DeleteThis topic is always a somber subject but I think it is important to let our family know how we feel about it, knowing that they will be free to do things in the way that suits them....which is how it should be.
ReplyDeleteImportant to consider at any age. My dad died at 29 and my mom at 89. She had prepaid for her funeral even for flowers which helped immensely. We have our burial plots and some notes in a folder next to our computer and have designated one of my sons as executer of the will. Now to enjoy and live the present to the fullest.
ReplyDeleteIt's nice to give the kids some ideas (especially since they don't live in the same area as you), but as someone else said they'll do what they need to work through their grieving.
ReplyDeleteThat's the thing. Tif lives in Chicago and Jon lives in Bangladesh for now. It will be really hard for them.
DeleteI was involved in the planning of a funeral for my middle sister who passed away with a shock to us all years ago. It was not a fun time and I do not want to every do that every again!
ReplyDeleteI was in the army. They will provide cremation, a place to stick the ashes, and a flag. So was G. Simple. We like that.
ReplyDeleteI looked on line and it said they no longer provide cremation; only the internment and flag.
DeleteArt picked my song.....I'm sure there will be many many people celebrating your lives! Man years from now. Affordable mortuary in Mapunapuna is a good choice......
ReplyDeletePerfect song! And I think leaving some kind of note reflecting your preference is a very good idea.
ReplyDeleteYou caught me by surprise, because your mother is still alive, so I find it difficult to think of two people as active as you and Art being old...!
I have no children of my own, so I appointed my youngest brother and my eldest niece as my executors. I don't want Dick's daughters to be stuck with wondering what to do with the wicked stepmother.
I love the Hawaiian tradition of feeding the mourners, and I'm sure this responsibility is a distraction to the main mourners (the immediate family) as well as the feeling they are doing it for you.
As Cloudia said, many years from now.
K
Tidying up is a nice thing to do.
ReplyDeleteOh, dear. Important to do to help our kids, but not fun to think about. I like Art's choice of songs.
ReplyDeleteSeveral years ago when I was in a melodramatic mood, I bought two niches at the cemetery across the road, and paid for one service at the non-denominational chapel, figuring the last one left could make additional arrangements.I fretted about this and that, obits, and such, and then decided I was trying to exercise control beyond the grave, and decided to let it go. I have decided to redo my will, however.
ReplyDeleteDianne
I have thought about my own funeral, but have never done anything about planning it. I suppose it is time to get some things down in writing just to make it easier for those left behind.
ReplyDeleteHearing that song at Art's funeral would have me in tears immediately.
ReplyDeleteNot for many years....your life is too wonderful.
ReplyDeleteL....w
Another thing to add to your list...if you're still blogging please have someone log in and write a post letting us all know.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, i love that song and i agree with not having any somber music and i agree with making plans ahead even though it may sound morbid and scary planning for a funeral but we all know that death will really come and it is best to be prepared. This will lessen the burden of the people will leave behind when everything is already planned and prepared.
ReplyDeleteMarzulloFuneralChapel.com