Friday, June 26, 2026

A Care Home for Mom?

Art has often joked that we are running a care home. And to an extent, I guess we are. Our lives now revolve around mom's care. We had to modify the bathrooms in her living area to make it safer for her. Our lives are governed by those free times afforded us when she is at her day care from 7:30 when the Handi-Van picks her up until 3:00 on weekdays. 

Last Friday was Juneteenth so it was a holiday and mom was home from her day care which she absolutely loves going to. Art suggested doing something special with her (even though she will forget it all once it's over).

I was washing some garlic chives (nira) which I'd promised our Buddhist priest that I would bring for him. He is from Japan and loves this herb, like mom. 

Meanwhile, Art decided to pluck mom's eyebrows. She draws her eyebrows rather far above her actual brow so there's a lot of hair under it which can be seen. She's asked me to give her a razor to shave it. No way! 

Then she asked ME to shave it. No! That is way too spooky! I said I would pluck it, but she refused saying it would hurt. Well... while I was in the kitchen Art just told her to sit and he plucked it all. 

I walked in and caught this sight. She never flinched or showed that it hurt and was very happy to have it done by him. 😏

Once that was done, we stopped at our Buddhist temple where I dropped off the garlic chives for our priest. He happily spent time talking in Japanese to mom which she really enjoyed. There are so few people who she can speak to in Japanese now.

Once we left the temple, Art drove us to Don Don Donki in Kapolei where he planned to have us pick up some bentos for lunch.

Mom saw the unagi (freshwater eel) that she's always loved but said we shouldn't buy it for her because it was too expensive. It was about $15.00.

We knew that once she was done eating it, she would forget she had enjoyed it. She lives in the moment. But what the heck, we got it for her. 

Art and I just shared a chicken and salmon bento which... ummm... wasn't great. Ah well. 



And yes she loved every bite. We kept half for the following day so she could enjoy it again.

Once she had her nap, I gave her a hair cut which she was happy about and then helped her with her bath. 

I'm thinking back to my younger days when I was still dating. Once mom met Art he was the son-in-law she wanted. She said she didn't want to jinx things by stating her preference. But when I called to tell her that I'd accepted Art's proposal, she was over the moon. 

At our wedding, one of my aunts asked where I'd found Art because she wanted one like him for her daughter. 


And yes, mom is grateful for Art everyday and she still thanks him for the delicious food he prepares for her, all the places he takes her and all the little/big things he does for her. Even with her dementia, she doesn't forget. 


25 comments:

  1. You are so good to her, and I am sure that she deserves it.

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  2. This is love shining through. I've been done this journey more than once and even though it is hard in the moment, it is also very honorable and loving.

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  3. Your Mom has a very good life, thanks to you and Art.

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  4. It sounds like mom continues to be sweet and respectful which is unlike some awful stories I hear of some with dementia…AND she remembers that unagi tastes good!!! 🤗 (I love hearing about mom!)

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    1. Unagi is actually really delicious. One of these days, I'll have to get some too. I remember eating them as a kid when they weren't so expensive.

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    2. My mother in law always used unagi in maki sushi rather than tuna. We loved it!!

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    3. Good grief! You’re 100% right! I forgot that’s how we used the unagi when we lived in Waipahu. 🥴 But when we moved to Illinois, we couldn’t find unagi so we used tuna and cooked it with teriyaki sauce for our sushi making. When we moved back to Hawaii, friends in Illinois said they’d miss our sushi at New Years.

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  5. That is very hard work that you and Art are doing. I admire you. The three of you are keeping each other alive. To have a purpose is very important to one's life. I just hope one of your children will do likewise when you and Art need a "care home."

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  6. Both of you are so devoted and caring; although her memory is gone, your mom lives happily in the moment. That's very important for all of us. My caregiving didn't reach the level of yours, but I the last few years of my mom's life, I was increasingly responsible for her and her needs. She wanted to stay in her own home and I made that happen. I'm proud of that.

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  7. You are so good to your mum and she looks so happy.

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  8. Your mom is blessed with you and Art, and your brother & family. And you are blessed with her. Such wonderful synergy.
    My friend recently put her husband with major dementia into a care home. He was getting way too difficult for her to care for since he got worse and obstinate. She is still stressed because she worries about the quality of care from the place - understaffed and not attentive enough to his needs. She finds him in other people's clothes even though his are marked with his name, the constant need to provide Depends even though she leaves bags of them, and other inconsistencies. She wants one on one physical training for him - but we know that is not going to happen. She is in a place of limbo - relief that she doesn't have the daily responsibilities for him, and worry about how he is doing. He is actually fine and doesn't even realize that he is not at home. I hope she settles into a calm - that she did the right thing - and realizes that he is safe, fed, clean and alright. And maybe even happy.

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    1. Oh my gosh... I can imagine how hard that has to be. I feel so awful for your friend. I couldn't take care of mom on my own. I'm really lucky I've got Art and my brother helping out whenever I need them. However, we don't want our kids to have to worry about us. We're going to look for a retirement home soon so we're ready when we need to go there.

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  9. This is a lovely and loving post.
    This may sound silly, but I am impressed that your mom still cares about her eyebrows! I stopped wearing makeup years ago.

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  10. Kay, you know I dearly love your Mom! You and Art are taking such good care of her. She looks so happy and pretty! Just like you! xx

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  11. This is such a sweet post. I know how tiring caring for a loved one can be. You wish they could have one moment or hour or day of clarity. And you wish they could remember something. She does know she is loved and she knows she loves all of you, even if she isn't quite sure what is going on around her. She does look so happy with her eel!

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  12. At is a real gem for his action in looking after your Mom. It's not an easy task.

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  13. You and Art are angels here on earth. I'm surprised your Mom still worries about her eyebrows. It's good that she still enjoys her daycare trips and isn't combative. Wonder if she had eel during her childhood? Wonder if she remembers. In Oklahoma, they have an annual rattlesnake roundup. I've never eaten any, but supposedly they eat the snake like corn on the cob. She knows in her heart that she is lucky to have you and your family able to care for her. Aloha, Linda in Kansas

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    1. Thank you, Linda. We had unagi when we were kids and loved them. They're a lot more expensive now, of course. Uuuummm... rattlesnake. Hmmmm...
      As for taking care of mom. She had a very hard young life and struggled to make sure my brother and I would never suffer like she did. She made sure we would go to the university and have a much better future. I feel we owe her this and she has told us over and over that this is the happiest she's ever been. When we moved back to Hawaii, Art's goal was to take her traveling everywhere. So we took her back to Japan along with my aunt and another several times with my brother. She also enjoyed an Alaskan cruise and got to see Yellowstone along with my aunt. Yellowstone was especially wonderful because our daughter and son met us there and we enjoyed it all together. She loves looking at the photobooks I made her to enjoy those trips over and over as though it was the first time again.

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  14. Kay, you and Art will always know that you did everything you could for your mom. The fact that she is happy... and shows it... is a wonderful gift. And yes, it is good that you have Art and your brother to help...

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  15. What a blessing she is to you and Art. And what a savior you are to her. Btw she’s beautiful 😍 Betty R.

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  16. What a lovely and loving post this is.
    My good wishes to you all.

    All the best Jan

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  17. It really touches my heart to hear you talk about how carefully you care for your mom. It is a devotion not often seen on families.

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  18. You are a awesome caretaker. Believe me, some girls want nothing to do with it.

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  19. My eyebrows get kind of crazy especially with a few hairs I'll grow like wildfire. I'll usually just pluck them with the tweezer

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