When you're prepared for someone's passing, things seem to be in place. The community comes together and family and friends seem to know what to do. It's part of living to accept that there is a final farewell.
But when Death is not supposed to have come, when it swoops down and catches everybody without warning, we're suddenly caught not knowing what to do.
For my daughter and everyone who loved Karen, we didn't know what to do. In Hawaii and Japan, there is the tradition of Koden which is sending money to the bereaved family to cover the funeral costs. There are also visits to the family.
On the mainland, I've noticed that everyone brings food to the home and tries to help in easing the burden.
Tiffany has told me that the village will be setting up some kind of list for volunteers to bring over food. Since we can't be there, Art and I sent a box of Hawaiian food for them to have in the days ahead. Tiffany is walking their dogs and offering to drive or do whatever they need her to do.
I really like the idea of bringing food and friendship everyday to keep the bereaved family company. Tiffany went over with another neighbor friend, but was a little nervous that they might be intruding. Instead Karen's husband asked them to please stay because he didn't want to be alone at that time. His children were flying in and everybody in the family were still in shock. Tiffany talked to a friend who said people often stay away in times like this thinking they are intruding when the bereaved person might be needing their love and support the most.
Tiffany researched how to broach this subject with 5 year old, KC. She found something about how Sesame Street dealt with the death of Mr. Hooper. They came right out and said he'd died and that Mr. Hooper would no longer be around, but they'd have their special memories of him. This is what she told KC.
She explained that Karen had died and KC would no longer be able to see her, but she could always remember what a good friend she was. Tiffany said KC still didn't seem to quite absorb it.
Later however, when Tif started to fall exhaustedly asleep in the back seat of the car where she sat with KC, my little granddaughter would not let her doze, pushing at her nervously every time her eyes closed.
Later Tiffany and my son-in-law, Ed brought KC over to Karen's house to pay their respects. KC is usually very shy except with people she spends a lot of time with. She saw Karen all the time and loved her, but not normally her husband who was usually at work. It was therefore a huge surprise for Tiffany and my son-in-law when KC went to Karen's husband and gave him a long, hard hug. I guess KC understood that this was one thing she could do to bring comfort. I'm so proud of her.
Do you have advice for what to do at times like this? What is the best thing to do to help families who are feeling completely devastated and not knowing how to cope?
But when Death is not supposed to have come, when it swoops down and catches everybody without warning, we're suddenly caught not knowing what to do.
For my daughter and everyone who loved Karen, we didn't know what to do. In Hawaii and Japan, there is the tradition of Koden which is sending money to the bereaved family to cover the funeral costs. There are also visits to the family.
On the mainland, I've noticed that everyone brings food to the home and tries to help in easing the burden.
Tiffany has told me that the village will be setting up some kind of list for volunteers to bring over food. Since we can't be there, Art and I sent a box of Hawaiian food for them to have in the days ahead. Tiffany is walking their dogs and offering to drive or do whatever they need her to do.
I really like the idea of bringing food and friendship everyday to keep the bereaved family company. Tiffany went over with another neighbor friend, but was a little nervous that they might be intruding. Instead Karen's husband asked them to please stay because he didn't want to be alone at that time. His children were flying in and everybody in the family were still in shock. Tiffany talked to a friend who said people often stay away in times like this thinking they are intruding when the bereaved person might be needing their love and support the most.
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She explained that Karen had died and KC would no longer be able to see her, but she could always remember what a good friend she was. Tiffany said KC still didn't seem to quite absorb it.
Later however, when Tif started to fall exhaustedly asleep in the back seat of the car where she sat with KC, my little granddaughter would not let her doze, pushing at her nervously every time her eyes closed.
Later Tiffany and my son-in-law, Ed brought KC over to Karen's house to pay their respects. KC is usually very shy except with people she spends a lot of time with. She saw Karen all the time and loved her, but not normally her husband who was usually at work. It was therefore a huge surprise for Tiffany and my son-in-law when KC went to Karen's husband and gave him a long, hard hug. I guess KC understood that this was one thing she could do to bring comfort. I'm so proud of her.
Do you have advice for what to do at times like this? What is the best thing to do to help families who are feeling completely devastated and not knowing how to cope?
Your post yesterday stunned me, and I didn't know your friend at all. What a shock to you and Tiffany to suddenly lose a seemingly perfectly healthy friend. Have you heard of Mealtrain.com? This is a site that might be helpful to Karen's friends and neighbors in the days ahead.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you are doing all you can...visiting and taking in food. You might try writing healing letters to the deceased person to express your own grief but not sending them-just to do some healing of your own. Death is always a surprise even when expected and it take time to heal...
ReplyDeleteHugs are great for sure. Food is the thing we do most of the time around here. I find that sometimes it is helpful to coordinate the food or even be at the house to manage the phone or the incoming food with lists for the families to send thank you's.
ReplyDeleteThis is the most difficult thing to deal with. I never know what to say or do and usually my own grief gets in the way of helping others. It is something I would like to change.
ReplyDeletein our community its common practise to bring food and help with transportation, general tasks like you mentioned, I think each situation depends on the people.I think if we follow our heart we all chose correctly.I'm so sorry for this devastating loss,
ReplyDeleteThe idea of food as comfort of a sort we all need at these times is a good one. I know that you still get hungry but the last thing in the world you want to do is think of fixing something to eat. And hugs are some of the best things to receive, as well as give. It's so very sad to have lost her like that. KC has learned some very valuable lessons, such a hard thing to bear for anyone.
ReplyDeleteHubby's mother died when our oldest son was in Kindergarten. When they went to the funeral parlor, I told them that the body they saw was just the "squishy" part of Grandma. The REAL grandma was up in Heaven, watching over them.
ReplyDeleteGee, the last time I attended a funeral was in 2006 when my aunt died. Afterwards, her oldest child hosted a dim sum luncheon at a Chinese restaurant. I donated money to the family. That's usually what I do. I don't visit the deceased family's home or bring food.
ReplyDeleteok tears in my eyes again, so so touching!
ReplyDeleteI think Tiffany has done the right things. I personally think it is best to offer to do all that you can, especially the little things like setting the trash out or cleaning the kitchen.
ReplyDeleteI was so sorry to read about the death of your friend and the difficulty in dealing with it for all of your family!! My thoughts are with all of you, Kay. It is so heartbreaking for everyone to lose a good friend and particularly such a young one!!
ReplyDeleteI like the direct approach. When my grandfather died, I was about 8 years old. I remember standing next to Mom as she cooked on the stove. The burners were eye level, and I looked up at her to see she was crying. I asked her, "Will I die?" She said yes, and cried even harder. Death is not easy, especially if you have no faith. I like your Kodon. Dianne
ReplyDeleteI'm glad Tiffany was direct with KC. that is what I would have advised, but I am not usually free with advice unless someone really wants it. It sounds to me like Tiffany is doing just the right things. I guess you can tell it's right if it helps the bereaved and helps you too.
ReplyDeleteKC will be watching the people she loves closely for a while. Death is a new and frightening experience. But she will be fine. She's demonstrating some very mature behavior in hugging Karen's husband. She understands.
Families often receive too much food. If Tif has extra freezer space she could offer that. I like the idea of walking the dogs. Who feels like walking the dogs at a time like this? Terrific idea. Taking the trash to the street for pick-up is another great idea. I don't know the mail situation but a person to quietly bring in the mail, leaving it in a designated space might also be helpful. An organized person in the kitchen to manage food donations, organize feeding the family etc can be a god send. Coffee, tea, paper plates, plastic forks etc, paper towels etc are also good donations.
ReplyDeleteEverything is right save the death of a dear friend. KC will be fine; her adult world is showing her how death is dealt with.
ReplyDeleteHENRY HANK CHAPIN ASugust 30, 2012 8:16 AM
ReplyDeleteI have an observation but no advice. No one will feel better because of my observation. My sister's husband died suddenly--just like that--and she took forever to get over it---maybe ten years of reclusiveness and rebuffing her brothers and sisters mand acting weird with her children who grew very worried about her. Of course, some of that is because they are Jewish and her husband had to be buried immediately, boom!, the next day. To me, that is a huge mistake. But it's been done that way for thousands of years, so nothing's going to change there. Therefore, I respectfully disagree that religious faith makes the ordeal easier. My theory is that, without any preparation whatsoever for a loved one's death, the grieving process can be an especially long and a rocky road. This is a sad situation indeed.
Kay: It seems that Karen's husband may need to hear from Karen's friends, too. Family will be with him before and durig the service. It's after the services, when the family and friends have returned to their home and their lives, that the survivor feels the loss most heavily. The house is too quiet; there are reminders all over the place. This seems to be the time when depression prevails.
ReplyDeleteTELL ME ABOUT IT! :-) Yes, it's after the services.... HENRY HANK CHAPIN
DeleteHank and Lorna, You've both suffered such painful losses very recently. I will most certainly remember what you're saying. Every time I think about Karen's husband, I can't stop the tears.
DeleteKay personally I think we cannot hide the hurt and messiness of life from kids. Because at some point or other it intrudes whether we like it or not. I think your daughter and son in law did a great job. sometimes I think small children understand better than we do. It is more black and white for them. The thing that my mother found when my father died was that in the first couple of weeks everyone visits, phones and brings food to the house. Then people get back to their lives and for the bereaved the loneliness creeps in. People dont seem to know what to say I guess. It sounds like Karens husband at least will ask for help if he needs it. The shock alone must be horrific for him. He is going to take a long time to work through the grief so friends (phone calls, drop in, invitations out) will be very important to him. It is all so final and hard for everyone. It is just that none of us really have the answers and i think that is what makes it hard to share with children.
ReplyDeleteKaren's husband is a true stiff upper lip sort of British fellow so I was worried that he wouldn't tell us what he needed. I was very happy that he could ask my daughter to stay and keep him company. Tiffany says he's absolutely devastated, of course, and can't seem to understand the reality of it right now. I know that when we go back to Chicago for our visit, I'll expect Karen to walk across the street to come see us like she always does.
DeleteI'm pretty terrible about reaching out to people. KC is so sweet to hug her neighbor. That truly is how we adults should bond with our fellow man, instead, *I* let my notion of doing it wrong get in the way.
ReplyDeleteL. from W.
just hug and don't say a single word..that helps.
ReplyDeletehave no advice to offer.
ReplyDeleteKay - (I haven't looked at blogs in a couple of days.)
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for the loss of your friend. Sounds like your family has handled chatting with KC very well.
Being direct and accurate with children is usually best. Otherwise they conjure up incorrect impressions. (In the movie "All Dogs Go to Heaven," the deceased dog comes back to earth to correct wrongs. When my son was around 4, my own dog died, and later he thought she'd come back because he got the humerous impression from the movie, that dogs could go back and forth.)
If they plan to take KC to the funeral, certainly explain what she might see: people crying, and laughing about memories, and possibly the open casket, and that it is a gathering of the neighborhood and community to help the survivors. Let her know, just like the differences in other ceremonies (like weddings,) that different groups of people or different faiths do things a little differently. She may want to take a rose or flower to set somewhere. Children still like their routine to be maintained, and it sounds like Tiff will handle KC just fine.
Try to remember the good times in the past with your friend. (Having lost my first husband when I was 29, I remember the first day I didn't receive any sympathy cards in the mail.) Making a note to call or write the husband each month for about 13 months would helpful. The times my widowed elderly aunt called me was amazingly always the right time. She usually had a gentle tip.
Tiff and KC might help by taking cookies or a cake that KC helped make to the husband each month for awhile. Even one of KC's colored drawings and a special trip to take it over to the husband will keep him connected with the daily normalcy of the neighborhood.
Know that each person grieves differently, and short of extremes, each way isn't the wrong or right way. If anyone has trouble with "the way they found her," have them carry a photo around with them for about a year, and use it each time the brain trys to concentrate on the "bad scene."
I found comfort in a line I read, in that "you don't have to get over it, you just have to learn how to live with it." So many well-meaning people want grief to "be over" and it's much tolerable to gradually learn how to adjust through the loss.
The body hides many aliments, even in supposedly healthy people. Too young is never easy.
Be sure and take care of yourselves too.
Hugs, DrumMajor
This is just the weirdest thing. I could swear I wrote a comment here this morning and now I don't see it.
DeleteI said that I really appreciated your advice and would pass on these excellent ideas to Tiffany. I will also drop Karen's husband and daughter a card each month to let them know we're thinking of them.
You've suffered so much, Drum Major and yet you spend your life trying to alleviate the pain of others. You are really amazing!
Irish Wake, Jewish Sitting Shiva. . . . Koden. . . we instinctively reach out for each other. As we should. I'm glad to have a friend, and to know folks like you, Kay
ReplyDeleteA beautiful and important post.
Weekend Aloha from Honolulu
Comfort Spiral
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A few days ago I didn't know what to say here, other than being proud of KC and Tiffany.
ReplyDeleteNow I'm glad to learn from y'all's good comments.